Dear Keven - 20 Days Gone!

Kev,

OHMYGOD!

It's been 20 days, almost 3 weeks without you!  I don't understand how time works nowadays.  The days go slow but the weeks go fast.  As I expected, the first week after you left was a whirlwind of decisions, messages from friends, and raw emotions.  But after that it became quiet and I am left with a deep ache in my soul.

I kinda wonder what the point of life is now.  It was so full of YOU, the good and the bad.  Now it's sort of empty.  I feel like I'm waiting, like something is suppose to happen but I don't know what.  

I need to find a new purpose once I'm able to function again.  The way it is now I cry whenever I go out.  Every place reminds me of you.  I broke down in front of the Lemonade Rock Stars in Ralph's the other day.  I walked down it to get T some peach ice tea, she said I don't have to buy if for her anymore, which was sweet.  But of course I will - to eliminate everything that reminds me of you I'd have to move and even then, I'd have you in my head, all the memories.     

Love,

Mom

Dear Keven,

Oh Baby, I miss you so much. I can't believe your gone even though I know you are.  You were my heart, and you still are.  FUCK!

Love,

Mom

P.S.  Remember that time Grandma said "fuck"?  We were all shocked, it was so funny.

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.Peace, Love and Hope, Anonymous Mom

Dear Keven,

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.

Peace, Love and Hope, 

Bar

It's been 8 days since my son killed himself.  Life will never be the same, the future is void of the most important person in my life.  Keven's addiction and mental health issues caused me to imagine what it would be like if he took his own life.  This is pretty much as I thought it would be, but the difference is now I FEEL the real feelings, my imagination was just that, and image in my mind.  You can't prepare yourself for this.  

I find myself wanting to feel everything and also wanting to avoid thoughts that will make me feel too much for fear of "losing it".  I discovered am whole new type of tears, tears that start in the heart and feel like they are being crushed out of your body with painful blows to the chest.

Yesterday was the service.  It was good (small due to COVID) I only cried once, not that it was my goal not to cry, I just really didn't want to have to blow my nose in the chapel.  Peace, Love and Hope, Anonymous Mom

New Kind of Tears

It's been 8 days since my son killed himself.  Life will never be the same, the future is void of the most important person in my life.  Keven's addiction and mental health issues caused me to imagine what it would be like if he took his own life.  This is pretty much as I thought it would be, but the difference is now I FEEL the real feelings, my imagination was just that, and image in my mind.  You can't prepare yourself for this.  

I find myself wanting to feel everything and also wanting to avoid thoughts that will make me feel too much for fear of "losing it".  I discovered a whole new type of tears, tears that start in the heart and feel like they are being crushed out of your body with painful blows to the chest.

Yesterday was the service.  It was good (small due to COVID) I only cried once, not that it was my goal not to cry, I just really didn't want to have to blow my nose in the chapel.  

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar