Dear Keven,

Hi Honey,

I miss you so much.  That will never change.  Some days it hurts more than others.  Sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe.  But I understand, I really do.  In a crazy way I am glad you are there because all of you problems and healthy issues are gone.  You have nothing to stress about or worry about or take care of.  You can just enjoy your freedom.

I like to lie in bed and talk to you while rubbing the pillow next to me and pretending its you.  Sugar lies next to me now because she knows how much I miss her.  Its nice because now I don't have to worry about accidentally kicking her and getting my foot bit!

I'm going to the Solace Meditation Garden tomorrow to put your rock there.  There's going to be a gathering there so it will be nice to see some people I haven't seen since COVID started.  Therese and Sugar are coming along.  One rock is for the backyard.  They are simple, but I like them.

I sent Andrew your gray flannel shirt and he wears it every day, he loves it.  He was really touched.  I think I can relate to him the best of any of your friends.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Keven,

Oh Sweetheart, 

Sometimes I just feel lost without you.  We were very co-dependent, and call that right or wrong, it just magnifies how much I miss you.   

But you are free from so much.  You had a lot to deal with down here in addition to your drug use and mental health issues.  You had Hep C, were afraid to go to the dentist (even though your teeth seemed good, who knows), had the issue with your pants falling off all the time, had constant fear of abscesses, could not find a job, had debt collectors after you for thousands, couldn't open a bank account, had two open court cases and community service that you never performed on a third case.  You felt alone and misunderstood and like a failure.  

YOU WERE NOT A FAILURE!  

I wish someone other me would have told you over and over again, like I did, what a wonderful person you are, how you made so many people feel cared about and special.  How fucking smart you were and how you had most of your life still in front of you to become successful at something.  

Hearing it from me didn't count because I'm your mom so you thought I saw you differently.  It kind of pissed me off that so many people told me positive things about you after you died, I wish they would  have told them to YOUR face when you were still here.  Would it have made a difference?  Probably not, but we'll never know because, let's face it, your friends did stop communicating.  They didn't check up on you or even respond when you put a desperate please out on Facebook about how lonely you were and asking for someone to "HMU" (hit me up).  It crushes my heart to think of you sitting there staring at your laptop hoping and praying someone, anyone, would respond.  

Don't get me wrong, Kev, you know I like/love most of your friends.  But you deserved better.  You were the one THEY called when they needed a ride, or a whatever.  You would drop everything to help them, and you even got me to help them if you were too high to drive.  I didn't mind because that's the kind of person I am too (apple doesn't fall far from the tree?).  I know your friends liked you and cared about you - but where were they when you needed and phone call?

I am miserable today.  Not just from missing you, I injured myself so it hurts to walk plus I just don't feel well.  I'm glad I am alone because the only person in the world I would want to be with right now is you.  YOU are here, Babe.  I feel it.  You hate to see me cry.  I'm going to try to stop, but I promised myself I would not block my emotions, I need to let them flow or they will bottle up inside and be the end of me.

So check this out - as I'm sitting here crying, Andrew D. texts me and tells me he had a sign from you and that a lot of times now when he writes in his journal he writes letters to you!  My tears dried up immediately.  Now we are in the middle of a conversation only true music lovers can appreciate.  I'm so glad he reconnected with me after you left.  

I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Well, honey, I guess you already know this, Kelsey is there with you now.  It makes me sad because I know how her family is hurting, but I'm happy for her.  Oh wow - I just thought of something.  Down here she dated Anthony then Michael, is that an issue up there?  I hope not.  She must have been thrilled to see you, she didn't know you left here.

Things are rough for me the last few days because of Ivy attacking Sugar.  Its, bad.  I'm sure you can see that.  She gets the tube out tomorrow and hopefully the stitches out later next week.  My poor baby!  It's very stressful keeping them apart.  

Darn it, Kev.  I miss you.  Life just doesn't have as much meaning or purpose to me anymore.  I will do my best to make you proud. 

UPDATE!  This pisses me off so much, I don't know if it's true or not but I talked to the guy she got busted with and he said she did not take her own life in jail, that a guard killed her.  Of course every part of me wants to find the truth but I don't know how, it happens on the East Coast.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven - 20 Days Gone!

Kev,

OHMYGOD!

It's been 20 days, almost 3 weeks without you!  I don't understand how time works nowadays.  The days go slow but the weeks go fast.  As I expected, the first week after you left was a whirlwind of decisions, messages from friends, and raw emotions.  But after that it became quiet and I am left with a deep ache in my soul.

I kinda wonder what the point of life is now.  It was so full of YOU, the good and the bad.  Now it's sort of empty.  I feel like I'm waiting, like something is suppose to happen but I don't know what.  

I need to find a new purpose once I'm able to function again.  The way it is now I cry whenever I go out.  Every place reminds me of you.  I broke down in front of the Lemonade Rock Stars in Ralph's the other day.  I walked down it to get T some peach ice tea, she said I don't have to buy if for her anymore, which was sweet.  But of course I will - to eliminate everything that reminds me of you I'd have to move and even then, I'd have you in my head, all the memories.     

Love,

Mom

Dear Keven,

Oh Baby, I miss you so much. I can't believe your gone even though I know you are.  You were my heart, and you still are.  FUCK!

Love,

Mom

P.S.  Remember that time Grandma said "fuck"?  We were all shocked, it was so funny.

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.Peace, Love and Hope, Anonymous Mom

Dear Keven,

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.

Peace, Love and Hope, 

Bar