Dear Keven,

Oh Sweetheart, 

Sometimes I just feel lost without you.  We were very co-dependent, and call that right or wrong, it just magnifies how much I miss you.   

But you are free from so much.  You had a lot to deal with down here in addition to your drug use and mental health issues.  You had Hep C, were afraid to go to the dentist (even though your teeth seemed good, who knows), had the issue with your pants falling off all the time, had constant fear of abscesses, could not find a job, had debt collectors after you for thousands, couldn't open a bank account, had two open court cases and community service that you never performed on a third case.  You felt alone and misunderstood and like a failure.  

YOU WERE NOT A FAILURE!  

I wish someone other me would have told you over and over again, like I did, what a wonderful person you are, how you made so many people feel cared about and special.  How fucking smart you were and how you had most of your life still in front of you to become successful at something.  

Hearing it from me didn't count because I'm your mom so you thought I saw you differently.  It kind of pissed me off that so many people told me positive things about you after you died, I wish they would  have told them to YOUR face when you were still here.  Would it have made a difference?  Probably not, but we'll never know because, let's face it, your friends did stop communicating.  They didn't check up on you or even respond when you put a desperate please out on Facebook about how lonely you were and asking for someone to "HMU" (hit me up).  It crushes my heart to think of you sitting there staring at your laptop hoping and praying someone, anyone, would respond.  

Don't get me wrong, Kev, you know I like/love most of your friends.  But you deserved better.  You were the one THEY called when they needed a ride, or a whatever.  You would drop everything to help them, and you even got me to help them if you were too high to drive.  I didn't mind because that's the kind of person I am too (apple doesn't fall far from the tree?).  I know your friends liked you and cared about you - but where were they when you needed and phone call?

I am miserable today.  Not just from missing you, I injured myself so it hurts to walk plus I just don't feel well.  I'm glad I am alone because the only person in the world I would want to be with right now is you.  YOU are here, Babe.  I feel it.  You hate to see me cry.  I'm going to try to stop, but I promised myself I would not block my emotions, I need to let them flow or they will bottle up inside and be the end of me.

So check this out - as I'm sitting here crying, Andrew D. texts me and tells me he had a sign from you and that a lot of times now when he writes in his journal he writes letters to you!  My tears dried up immediately.  Now we are in the middle of a conversation only true music lovers can appreciate.  I'm so glad he reconnected with me after you left.  

I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar