It's been 8 days since my son killed himself. Life will never be the same, the future is void of the most important person in my life. Keven's addiction and mental health issues caused me to imagine what it would be like if he took his own life. This is pretty much as I thought it would be, but the difference is now I FEEL the real feelings, my imagination was just that, and image in my mind. You can't prepare yourself for this.
I find myself wanting to feel everything and also wanting to avoid thoughts that will make me feel too much for fear of "losing it". I discovered a whole new type of tears, tears that start in the heart and feel like they are being crushed out of your body with painful blows to the chest.
Yesterday was the service. It was good (small due to COVID) I only cried once, not that it was my goal not to cry, I just really didn't want to have to blow my nose in the chapel.
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