Please Come Back

In my mind, I know for a fact that he can't come back.  He's dead.  Gone.  Done with this life.  But my heart doesn't want to accept it.  No more Keven.  

I believe he's hear with me, and even though I believe that, it's not the same.

Hurting really bad tonight.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Coming Home From Prison

Except from Journal  November 9, 2016  

Haven't written here in awhile. Keven comes home in 4 days. I am both excited and nervous.

Prison has changed him. There's an empty look in his eyes, he's bitter, he "hates people" and just wants to isolate and find a job. He doesn't want to see anyone other than family when he gets out.

After all he's been through in there, I can't say I blame him. Beaten, bullied and harassed....and for what? Because he's a privileged white boy in a dorm with 99% other races.

The tattoos he got in there are so depressing and offensive, it's painful for me to look at them on visiting days.

This is how we rehabilitate our drug addicts. Its fucked up and if I had thought it would make a difference, I'd join a crusade for prison reform but the FACT (not opinion) is most people view anyone in jail/prison as deserving of it and think they belong there.

I'm obviously bitter.

He's still a boy but realizes he's really a man and wants to act like one. Living the majority of the last 9 years under the influence had delayed his growth as a person in lack of skills, employment and maturity.

I pray that some kind soul will look beyond the evil looking tattoos he got in there and his three felonies and hire him.

P.S.

Years ago I accepted that I may lose him, and now more than ever that could be the case. If not to death to the streets or to prison. I love my son so much. I also feel guilty because I miss Anthony so much and find myself wishing Keven had his personality. Keven doesn't smile (unless forced) is not talkative or affectionate. I just have to accept that.

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Well, here is a reminder that I tried to prepare myself for losing him. You can mentally do it, but not emotionally. I miss my baby boy!

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Well, honey, I guess you already know this, Kelsey is there with you now.  It makes me sad because I know how her family is hurting, but I'm happy for her.  Oh wow - I just thought of something.  Down here she dated Anthony then Michael, is that an issue up there?  I hope not.  She must have been thrilled to see you, she didn't know you left here.

Things are rough for me the last few days because of Ivy attacking Sugar.  Its, bad.  I'm sure you can see that.  She gets the tube out tomorrow and hopefully the stitches out later next week.  My poor baby!  It's very stressful keeping them apart.  

Darn it, Kev.  I miss you.  Life just doesn't have as much meaning or purpose to me anymore.  I will do my best to make you proud. 

UPDATE!  This pisses me off so much, I don't know if it's true or not but I talked to the guy she got busted with and he said she did not take her own life in jail, that a guard killed her.  Of course every part of me wants to find the truth but I don't know how, it happens on the East Coast.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Feeling Lost, Empty, Depressed, Sad, Etc.

It's been a month and three days.  I don't know how to describe my new life, the life I never wanted, the life that I feared I may some day have.

I feel sick, tired, sad, lonely, hurt, mad, depressed, lost, empty, and just about every other adjective you can think of that describes being down and out of sorts.  

There are some moments of the day I feel "okay" for a little while, maybe even up to an hour if I'm lucky.  Most of these moments occur when I am busy doing something and am focused.  But he's never really out of my mind or heart.  He's always there.  The sense of loss is there constantly, like I am no longer there person I was before this happened.  I am someone new - a mother who lost her only child to suicide.  I hate this feeling but there is nothing I can do to change it.

In time things may get a bit easier, but I will never go back to being the old me.  She died with Keven.  I believe I will be able to enjoy things again (Ducks games, Bruce concerts) but not with the same abandonment that I once enjoyed them, I think it will be more subdued.  

Today Keven's doctor called to check on me.  He had already donated a large amount to our fund to pay for the service, and I think sent a card, but he wanted to talk to me himself.  He's such a good person.  He said he wished he could have done more and I told him there was nothing anyone could do, we all tried our hardest to save him.  He shared some personal things with me about his family but mostly we talked about how prison had changed Keven.  He said the same thing happened to a cousin of his.

I just want to sleep all day, like I did yesterday, but I will force myself through the day.     

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar

One Month Gone

I feel like a different person.  I'm not the same after losing Keven.  It's more than just the sadness and the deep pain.  It's like I am hollow - empty.  Like - what the hell am I suppose to do now?

Being Kev's mom was a challenge, but one I'd love through till the end of my life if I had the choice.  Hard to see through the tears today.  I may never wear mascara again.

It doesn't feel like a month - it feels like it just happened.  My emotions are so raw I have to monitor my thoughts and not let myself go to deep.  What I mean by that is, I catch myself seeing what I saw when I walked into his room.  It's something I will never be able to forget...and even though it was horrific and unreal, I keep replaying it.  It was his half open eyes that haunt me the most, not the graphic gunshot wound, that part was more surreal, "how can this be my son?".  But he still looked so handsome, his face was unharmed.

Oh!  My wind chime for Keven is sounding so pretty right now!  

I'm tempted to take a drive out in the canyon where I taught him to drive when he was 10.   I don't know if I can handle it.  No, it's not a good idea.  

How do I drown the pain?  How do I get to the end of this day?   How do I get through the next of every day of the rest of my life?  Hopefully I will have something more profound to say at this point, for now, this is it.

His urn is on the kitchen table, the center of everything in this house.  I hug it often and talk to it always, makes me feel better.

Peace, Hope and Love,

Bar

      

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar