I feel like a different person. I'm not the same after losing Keven. It's more than just the sadness and the deep pain. It's like I am hollow - empty. Like - what the hell am I suppose to do now?
Being Kev's mom was a challenge, but one I'd love through till the end of my life if I had the choice. Hard to see through the tears today. I may never wear mascara again.
It doesn't feel like a month - it feels like it just happened. My emotions are so raw I have to monitor my thoughts and not let myself go to deep. What I mean by that is, I catch myself seeing what I saw when I walked into his room. It's something I will never be able to forget...and even though it was horrific and unreal, I keep replaying it. It was his half open eyes that haunt me the most, not the graphic gunshot wound, that part was more surreal, "how can this be my son?". But he still looked so handsome, his face was unharmed.
Oh! My wind chime for Keven is sounding so pretty right now!
I'm tempted to take a drive out in the canyon where I taught him to drive when he was 10. I don't know if I can handle it. No, it's not a good idea.
How do I drown the pain? How do I get to the end of this day? How do I get through the next of every day of the rest of my life? Hopefully I will have something more profound to say at this point, for now, this is it.
His urn is on the kitchen table, the center of everything in this house. I hug it often and talk to it always, makes me feel better.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Bar
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