Feeling Lost, Empty, Depressed, Sad, Etc.

It's been a month and three days.  I don't know how to describe my new life, the life I never wanted, the life that I feared I may some day have.

I feel sick, tired, sad, lonely, hurt, mad, depressed, lost, empty, and just about every other adjective you can think of that describes being down and out of sorts.  

There are some moments of the day I feel "okay" for a little while, maybe even up to an hour if I'm lucky.  Most of these moments occur when I am busy doing something and am focused.  But he's never really out of my mind or heart.  He's always there.  The sense of loss is there constantly, like I am no longer there person I was before this happened.  I am someone new - a mother who lost her only child to suicide.  I hate this feeling but there is nothing I can do to change it.

In time things may get a bit easier, but I will never go back to being the old me.  She died with Keven.  I believe I will be able to enjoy things again (Ducks games, Bruce concerts) but not with the same abandonment that I once enjoyed them, I think it will be more subdued.  

Today Keven's doctor called to check on me.  He had already donated a large amount to our fund to pay for the service, and I think sent a card, but he wanted to talk to me himself.  He's such a good person.  He said he wished he could have done more and I told him there was nothing anyone could do, we all tried our hardest to save him.  He shared some personal things with me about his family but mostly we talked about how prison had changed Keven.  He said the same thing happened to a cousin of his.

I just want to sleep all day, like I did yesterday, but I will force myself through the day.     

Peace, Love and Hope,

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