Dear Keven,

Hi Honey,

I miss you so much.  That will never change.  Some days it hurts more than others.  Sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe.  But I understand, I really do.  In a crazy way I am glad you are there because all of you problems and healthy issues are gone.  You have nothing to stress about or worry about or take care of.  You can just enjoy your freedom.

I like to lie in bed and talk to you while rubbing the pillow next to me and pretending its you.  Sugar lies next to me now because she knows how much I miss her.  Its nice because now I don't have to worry about accidentally kicking her and getting my foot bit!

I'm going to the Solace Meditation Garden tomorrow to put your rock there.  There's going to be a gathering there so it will be nice to see some people I haven't seen since COVID started.  Therese and Sugar are coming along.  One rock is for the backyard.  They are simple, but I like them.

I sent Andrew your gray flannel shirt and he wears it every day, he loves it.  He was really touched.  I think I can relate to him the best of any of your friends.

Love you,

Mom

Feeling Discouraged About Everything

I'm recovering from a very painful injury.  Today is the first day I have not taken pain meds so I'm really feeling it, I may end up taking one later.

Trump vs. Biden will be coming to an end soon and then we'll have to hear everyone complain about who got elected.  It blows my mind how politics bring out the ugliness in so many that I'd thought of us as nice, friendly people.  

COVID has changed so much and done so much damage to our society, our economy and mostly to those who have suffered through it or, even worse, lost someone to it.  It too has become a political divide here in the U.S. because it trickles down from the top and, in my opinion, Trump has been 100% irresponsible in the way he's handled COVID.  Don't get me started.

My dog almost got killed by my sister's dog which has caused a lot of stress here at home because we have to keep them separated at all times.  

And then the Biggie.  Keven is no longer here.  It makes everything else pale in comparison.  Sometimes on gray days when we both felt down we'd lie on my bed with the curtains open watching the clouds go by.  We might talk, me might fall asleep, we might just be silent.  But it always felt good because we had each other.

Now I fluctuate between wanting to find purpose for my life in light of all I've learned from my journey with Kev, and, just staying home and avoiding life and living a very simple existence.

I know I don't have to make any decisions right now, but it feels like not making a decision is making a decision to do nothing.  That said, its time for a nap.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Oh Sweetheart, 

Sometimes I just feel lost without you.  We were very co-dependent, and call that right or wrong, it just magnifies how much I miss you.   

But you are free from so much.  You had a lot to deal with down here in addition to your drug use and mental health issues.  You had Hep C, were afraid to go to the dentist (even though your teeth seemed good, who knows), had the issue with your pants falling off all the time, had constant fear of abscesses, could not find a job, had debt collectors after you for thousands, couldn't open a bank account, had two open court cases and community service that you never performed on a third case.  You felt alone and misunderstood and like a failure.  

YOU WERE NOT A FAILURE!  

I wish someone other me would have told you over and over again, like I did, what a wonderful person you are, how you made so many people feel cared about and special.  How fucking smart you were and how you had most of your life still in front of you to become successful at something.  

Hearing it from me didn't count because I'm your mom so you thought I saw you differently.  It kind of pissed me off that so many people told me positive things about you after you died, I wish they would  have told them to YOUR face when you were still here.  Would it have made a difference?  Probably not, but we'll never know because, let's face it, your friends did stop communicating.  They didn't check up on you or even respond when you put a desperate please out on Facebook about how lonely you were and asking for someone to "HMU" (hit me up).  It crushes my heart to think of you sitting there staring at your laptop hoping and praying someone, anyone, would respond.  

Don't get me wrong, Kev, you know I like/love most of your friends.  But you deserved better.  You were the one THEY called when they needed a ride, or a whatever.  You would drop everything to help them, and you even got me to help them if you were too high to drive.  I didn't mind because that's the kind of person I am too (apple doesn't fall far from the tree?).  I know your friends liked you and cared about you - but where were they when you needed and phone call?

I am miserable today.  Not just from missing you, I injured myself so it hurts to walk plus I just don't feel well.  I'm glad I am alone because the only person in the world I would want to be with right now is you.  YOU are here, Babe.  I feel it.  You hate to see me cry.  I'm going to try to stop, but I promised myself I would not block my emotions, I need to let them flow or they will bottle up inside and be the end of me.

So check this out - as I'm sitting here crying, Andrew D. texts me and tells me he had a sign from you and that a lot of times now when he writes in his journal he writes letters to you!  My tears dried up immediately.  Now we are in the middle of a conversation only true music lovers can appreciate.  I'm so glad he reconnected with me after you left.  

I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Knocking on Heaven's Door

Got a great sign from Keven yesterday!  I was actually feeling envious that my boyfriend had gotten a few obvious signs and I hadn't had anything other than the floating orbs (which are awesome!) and a squirrel in my yard (very rare).

So I'm sitting alone and the room is quiet.  All of a sudden our Google Music thing starts playing a song all by itself!  And the song was "Knocking on Heaven's Door", the version by Guns N Roses.

I knew it was from Keven, but just to be sure I said out loud, "if this is you, honey, make sure it turns off when the song is over".  And it did.  Pretty damn cool!

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Please Come Back

In my mind, I know for a fact that he can't come back.  He's dead.  Gone.  Done with this life.  But my heart doesn't want to accept it.  No more Keven.  

I believe he's hear with me, and even though I believe that, it's not the same.

Hurting really bad tonight.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Coming Home From Prison

Except from Journal  November 9, 2016  

Haven't written here in awhile. Keven comes home in 4 days. I am both excited and nervous.

Prison has changed him. There's an empty look in his eyes, he's bitter, he "hates people" and just wants to isolate and find a job. He doesn't want to see anyone other than family when he gets out.

After all he's been through in there, I can't say I blame him. Beaten, bullied and harassed....and for what? Because he's a privileged white boy in a dorm with 99% other races.

The tattoos he got in there are so depressing and offensive, it's painful for me to look at them on visiting days.

This is how we rehabilitate our drug addicts. Its fucked up and if I had thought it would make a difference, I'd join a crusade for prison reform but the FACT (not opinion) is most people view anyone in jail/prison as deserving of it and think they belong there.

I'm obviously bitter.

He's still a boy but realizes he's really a man and wants to act like one. Living the majority of the last 9 years under the influence had delayed his growth as a person in lack of skills, employment and maturity.

I pray that some kind soul will look beyond the evil looking tattoos he got in there and his three felonies and hire him.

P.S.

Years ago I accepted that I may lose him, and now more than ever that could be the case. If not to death to the streets or to prison. I love my son so much. I also feel guilty because I miss Anthony so much and find myself wishing Keven had his personality. Keven doesn't smile (unless forced) is not talkative or affectionate. I just have to accept that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, here is a reminder that I tried to prepare myself for losing him. You can mentally do it, but not emotionally. I miss my baby boy!

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Well, honey, I guess you already know this, Kelsey is there with you now.  It makes me sad because I know how her family is hurting, but I'm happy for her.  Oh wow - I just thought of something.  Down here she dated Anthony then Michael, is that an issue up there?  I hope not.  She must have been thrilled to see you, she didn't know you left here.

Things are rough for me the last few days because of Ivy attacking Sugar.  Its, bad.  I'm sure you can see that.  She gets the tube out tomorrow and hopefully the stitches out later next week.  My poor baby!  It's very stressful keeping them apart.  

Darn it, Kev.  I miss you.  Life just doesn't have as much meaning or purpose to me anymore.  I will do my best to make you proud. 

UPDATE!  This pisses me off so much, I don't know if it's true or not but I talked to the guy she got busted with and he said she did not take her own life in jail, that a guard killed her.  Of course every part of me wants to find the truth but I don't know how, it happens on the East Coast.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar