Dear Keven,

Hi Honey,

I miss you so much.  That will never change.  Some days it hurts more than others.  Sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe.  But I understand, I really do.  In a crazy way I am glad you are there because all of you problems and healthy issues are gone.  You have nothing to stress about or worry about or take care of.  You can just enjoy your freedom.

I like to lie in bed and talk to you while rubbing the pillow next to me and pretending its you.  Sugar lies next to me now because she knows how much I miss her.  Its nice because now I don't have to worry about accidentally kicking her and getting my foot bit!

I'm going to the Solace Meditation Garden tomorrow to put your rock there.  There's going to be a gathering there so it will be nice to see some people I haven't seen since COVID started.  Therese and Sugar are coming along.  One rock is for the backyard.  They are simple, but I like them.

I sent Andrew your gray flannel shirt and he wears it every day, he loves it.  He was really touched.  I think I can relate to him the best of any of your friends.

Love you,

Mom

Feeling Discouraged About Everything

I'm recovering from a very painful injury.  Today is the first day I have not taken pain meds so I'm really feeling it, I may end up taking one later.

Trump vs. Biden will be coming to an end soon and then we'll have to hear everyone complain about who got elected.  It blows my mind how politics bring out the ugliness in so many that I'd thought of us as nice, friendly people.  

COVID has changed so much and done so much damage to our society, our economy and mostly to those who have suffered through it or, even worse, lost someone to it.  It too has become a political divide here in the U.S. because it trickles down from the top and, in my opinion, Trump has been 100% irresponsible in the way he's handled COVID.  Don't get me started.

My dog almost got killed by my sister's dog which has caused a lot of stress here at home because we have to keep them separated at all times.  

And then the Biggie.  Keven is no longer here.  It makes everything else pale in comparison.  Sometimes on gray days when we both felt down we'd lie on my bed with the curtains open watching the clouds go by.  We might talk, me might fall asleep, we might just be silent.  But it always felt good because we had each other.

Now I fluctuate between wanting to find purpose for my life in light of all I've learned from my journey with Kev, and, just staying home and avoiding life and living a very simple existence.

I know I don't have to make any decisions right now, but it feels like not making a decision is making a decision to do nothing.  That said, its time for a nap.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Oh Sweetheart, 

Sometimes I just feel lost without you.  We were very co-dependent, and call that right or wrong, it just magnifies how much I miss you.   

But you are free from so much.  You had a lot to deal with down here in addition to your drug use and mental health issues.  You had Hep C, were afraid to go to the dentist (even though your teeth seemed good, who knows), had the issue with your pants falling off all the time, had constant fear of abscesses, could not find a job, had debt collectors after you for thousands, couldn't open a bank account, had two open court cases and community service that you never performed on a third case.  You felt alone and misunderstood and like a failure.  

YOU WERE NOT A FAILURE!  

I wish someone other me would have told you over and over again, like I did, what a wonderful person you are, how you made so many people feel cared about and special.  How fucking smart you were and how you had most of your life still in front of you to become successful at something.  

Hearing it from me didn't count because I'm your mom so you thought I saw you differently.  It kind of pissed me off that so many people told me positive things about you after you died, I wish they would  have told them to YOUR face when you were still here.  Would it have made a difference?  Probably not, but we'll never know because, let's face it, your friends did stop communicating.  They didn't check up on you or even respond when you put a desperate please out on Facebook about how lonely you were and asking for someone to "HMU" (hit me up).  It crushes my heart to think of you sitting there staring at your laptop hoping and praying someone, anyone, would respond.  

Don't get me wrong, Kev, you know I like/love most of your friends.  But you deserved better.  You were the one THEY called when they needed a ride, or a whatever.  You would drop everything to help them, and you even got me to help them if you were too high to drive.  I didn't mind because that's the kind of person I am too (apple doesn't fall far from the tree?).  I know your friends liked you and cared about you - but where were they when you needed and phone call?

I am miserable today.  Not just from missing you, I injured myself so it hurts to walk plus I just don't feel well.  I'm glad I am alone because the only person in the world I would want to be with right now is you.  YOU are here, Babe.  I feel it.  You hate to see me cry.  I'm going to try to stop, but I promised myself I would not block my emotions, I need to let them flow or they will bottle up inside and be the end of me.

So check this out - as I'm sitting here crying, Andrew D. texts me and tells me he had a sign from you and that a lot of times now when he writes in his journal he writes letters to you!  My tears dried up immediately.  Now we are in the middle of a conversation only true music lovers can appreciate.  I'm so glad he reconnected with me after you left.  

I LOVE YOU MY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Knocking on Heaven's Door

Got a great sign from Keven yesterday!  I was actually feeling envious that my boyfriend had gotten a few obvious signs and I hadn't had anything other than the floating orbs (which are awesome!) and a squirrel in my yard (very rare).

So I'm sitting alone and the room is quiet.  All of a sudden our Google Music thing starts playing a song all by itself!  And the song was "Knocking on Heaven's Door", the version by Guns N Roses.

I knew it was from Keven, but just to be sure I said out loud, "if this is you, honey, make sure it turns off when the song is over".  And it did.  Pretty damn cool!

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Please Come Back

In my mind, I know for a fact that he can't come back.  He's dead.  Gone.  Done with this life.  But my heart doesn't want to accept it.  No more Keven.  

I believe he's hear with me, and even though I believe that, it's not the same.

Hurting really bad tonight.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Coming Home From Prison

Except from Journal  November 9, 2016  

Haven't written here in awhile. Keven comes home in 4 days. I am both excited and nervous.

Prison has changed him. There's an empty look in his eyes, he's bitter, he "hates people" and just wants to isolate and find a job. He doesn't want to see anyone other than family when he gets out.

After all he's been through in there, I can't say I blame him. Beaten, bullied and harassed....and for what? Because he's a privileged white boy in a dorm with 99% other races.

The tattoos he got in there are so depressing and offensive, it's painful for me to look at them on visiting days.

This is how we rehabilitate our drug addicts. Its fucked up and if I had thought it would make a difference, I'd join a crusade for prison reform but the FACT (not opinion) is most people view anyone in jail/prison as deserving of it and think they belong there.

I'm obviously bitter.

He's still a boy but realizes he's really a man and wants to act like one. Living the majority of the last 9 years under the influence had delayed his growth as a person in lack of skills, employment and maturity.

I pray that some kind soul will look beyond the evil looking tattoos he got in there and his three felonies and hire him.

P.S.

Years ago I accepted that I may lose him, and now more than ever that could be the case. If not to death to the streets or to prison. I love my son so much. I also feel guilty because I miss Anthony so much and find myself wishing Keven had his personality. Keven doesn't smile (unless forced) is not talkative or affectionate. I just have to accept that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, here is a reminder that I tried to prepare myself for losing him. You can mentally do it, but not emotionally. I miss my baby boy!

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Dear Keven,

Well, honey, I guess you already know this, Kelsey is there with you now.  It makes me sad because I know how her family is hurting, but I'm happy for her.  Oh wow - I just thought of something.  Down here she dated Anthony then Michael, is that an issue up there?  I hope not.  She must have been thrilled to see you, she didn't know you left here.

Things are rough for me the last few days because of Ivy attacking Sugar.  Its, bad.  I'm sure you can see that.  She gets the tube out tomorrow and hopefully the stitches out later next week.  My poor baby!  It's very stressful keeping them apart.  

Darn it, Kev.  I miss you.  Life just doesn't have as much meaning or purpose to me anymore.  I will do my best to make you proud. 

UPDATE!  This pisses me off so much, I don't know if it's true or not but I talked to the guy she got busted with and he said she did not take her own life in jail, that a guard killed her.  Of course every part of me wants to find the truth but I don't know how, it happens on the East Coast.

Peace, Love and Hope, Bar

Feeling Lost, Empty, Depressed, Sad, Etc.

It's been a month and three days.  I don't know how to describe my new life, the life I never wanted, the life that I feared I may some day have.

I feel sick, tired, sad, lonely, hurt, mad, depressed, lost, empty, and just about every other adjective you can think of that describes being down and out of sorts.  

There are some moments of the day I feel "okay" for a little while, maybe even up to an hour if I'm lucky.  Most of these moments occur when I am busy doing something and am focused.  But he's never really out of my mind or heart.  He's always there.  The sense of loss is there constantly, like I am no longer there person I was before this happened.  I am someone new - a mother who lost her only child to suicide.  I hate this feeling but there is nothing I can do to change it.

In time things may get a bit easier, but I will never go back to being the old me.  She died with Keven.  I believe I will be able to enjoy things again (Ducks games, Bruce concerts) but not with the same abandonment that I once enjoyed them, I think it will be more subdued.  

Today Keven's doctor called to check on me.  He had already donated a large amount to our fund to pay for the service, and I think sent a card, but he wanted to talk to me himself.  He's such a good person.  He said he wished he could have done more and I told him there was nothing anyone could do, we all tried our hardest to save him.  He shared some personal things with me about his family but mostly we talked about how prison had changed Keven.  He said the same thing happened to a cousin of his.

I just want to sleep all day, like I did yesterday, but I will force myself through the day.     

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar

One Month Gone

I feel like a different person.  I'm not the same after losing Keven.  It's more than just the sadness and the deep pain.  It's like I am hollow - empty.  Like - what the hell am I suppose to do now?

Being Kev's mom was a challenge, but one I'd love through till the end of my life if I had the choice.  Hard to see through the tears today.  I may never wear mascara again.

It doesn't feel like a month - it feels like it just happened.  My emotions are so raw I have to monitor my thoughts and not let myself go to deep.  What I mean by that is, I catch myself seeing what I saw when I walked into his room.  It's something I will never be able to forget...and even though it was horrific and unreal, I keep replaying it.  It was his half open eyes that haunt me the most, not the graphic gunshot wound, that part was more surreal, "how can this be my son?".  But he still looked so handsome, his face was unharmed.

Oh!  My wind chime for Keven is sounding so pretty right now!  

I'm tempted to take a drive out in the canyon where I taught him to drive when he was 10.   I don't know if I can handle it.  No, it's not a good idea.  

How do I drown the pain?  How do I get to the end of this day?   How do I get through the next of every day of the rest of my life?  Hopefully I will have something more profound to say at this point, for now, this is it.

His urn is on the kitchen table, the center of everything in this house.  I hug it often and talk to it always, makes me feel better.

Peace, Hope and Love,

Bar

      

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar

Dear Keven - 20 Days Gone!

Kev,

OHMYGOD!

It's been 20 days, almost 3 weeks without you!  I don't understand how time works nowadays.  The days go slow but the weeks go fast.  As I expected, the first week after you left was a whirlwind of decisions, messages from friends, and raw emotions.  But after that it became quiet and I am left with a deep ache in my soul.

I kinda wonder what the point of life is now.  It was so full of YOU, the good and the bad.  Now it's sort of empty.  I feel like I'm waiting, like something is suppose to happen but I don't know what.  

I need to find a new purpose once I'm able to function again.  The way it is now I cry whenever I go out.  Every place reminds me of you.  I broke down in front of the Lemonade Rock Stars in Ralph's the other day.  I walked down it to get T some peach ice tea, she said I don't have to buy if for her anymore, which was sweet.  But of course I will - to eliminate everything that reminds me of you I'd have to move and even then, I'd have you in my head, all the memories.     

Love,

Mom

Dear Keven,

Oh Baby, I miss you so much. I can't believe your gone even though I know you are.  You were my heart, and you still are.  FUCK!

Love,

Mom

P.S.  Remember that time Grandma said "fuck"?  We were all shocked, it was so funny.

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.Peace, Love and Hope, Anonymous Mom

Dear Keven,

Picked up your ashes today.  The official term is "cremains" but I prefer to call them ashes.  It feels so good to have you home!  Therese cried when I took the bag out of the box and put it on the table, I just hugged and kissed the bag.  I think having had some of Anthony's ashes prepared me for yours.

So far I have filled two pretty little urns for your half-brother and your grandparents.  I also filled ten little jars for:

Dave, Danielle, Ryan, Matt M., Matt C., Ross, Jesse, Amy, Me, Therese and Peter.  Oops, that's eleven.  I'm not sure if Matt C or Jesse will ever be around to pick there's up, but if so I have them and more little jars.

The big urn and medium urn will come next week for us and your dad.

I wish you would hurry up and give me a sign.  Maybe you have and I'm too out of it to notice.  I do talk to you a lot, I tell myself you hear me.   I'm doing okay at the moment but don't feel normal, I feel weird all the time.  Its my new normal and I will adjust to it.

Peace, Love and Hope, 

Bar

It's been 8 days since my son killed himself.  Life will never be the same, the future is void of the most important person in my life.  Keven's addiction and mental health issues caused me to imagine what it would be like if he took his own life.  This is pretty much as I thought it would be, but the difference is now I FEEL the real feelings, my imagination was just that, and image in my mind.  You can't prepare yourself for this.  

I find myself wanting to feel everything and also wanting to avoid thoughts that will make me feel too much for fear of "losing it".  I discovered am whole new type of tears, tears that start in the heart and feel like they are being crushed out of your body with painful blows to the chest.

Yesterday was the service.  It was good (small due to COVID) I only cried once, not that it was my goal not to cry, I just really didn't want to have to blow my nose in the chapel.  Peace, Love and Hope, Anonymous Mom

New Kind of Tears

It's been 8 days since my son killed himself.  Life will never be the same, the future is void of the most important person in my life.  Keven's addiction and mental health issues caused me to imagine what it would be like if he took his own life.  This is pretty much as I thought it would be, but the difference is now I FEEL the real feelings, my imagination was just that, and image in my mind.  You can't prepare yourself for this.  

I find myself wanting to feel everything and also wanting to avoid thoughts that will make me feel too much for fear of "losing it".  I discovered a whole new type of tears, tears that start in the heart and feel like they are being crushed out of your body with painful blows to the chest.

Yesterday was the service.  It was good (small due to COVID) I only cried once, not that it was my goal not to cry, I just really didn't want to have to blow my nose in the chapel.  

Peace, Love and Hope,

Bar